Going it alone
I sunk into depression and anxiety over my future rather than trusting my heavenly Father. I think it was also a reaction to the difficulties of the previous two years. A lot of really tough stuff happened and I got emotionally exhausted, added to which I am in a time of long term unemployment so worries about the future got mixed in with it all.
I got to the point where I couldn't do it myself anymore. My mind and body were shutting down almost, crying out for rest. I was trying to be strong, trying to sort out my future, trying to serve Him in my own strength. The more I tried to do it alone, the more I failed and the more exhausted I became. As I failed my pride took a battering. I felt ashamed that I wasn't strong enough to cope. I expected huge amounts from myself and hated myself when I failed.
Learning from our mistakes
But God has really used this to teach me as I work through it. So often God will use our hard times if we let Him. God was trying to teach me to
lay down my independence, my pride and expectations of Him and expectations of myself. I am now learning to let go of this, rather than just thinking about letting go. And the difference is amazing.
My whole outlook is changing. I am looking to God to tell me when to move forward and when to rest. At the moment He is saying rest, so I am resting in Him. In day to day life this means, trying to be aware of His presence all the time (I recommend Practising the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence to study more about this, which can be found to download for free on the internet), and every time I start berating myself to do better I stop those thoughts and remind myself that God loves me and has told me to wait and rest, to learn to simply be, not do.
Letting Go for real
|Surrender pride, independence & false expectations. |
Jump into Father God's arms.
It is the way to peace and freedom.
In fact the more I lay down the pride, expectations and independence the more close to God I am and the more freedom I experience. The more I try to go it alone the more captive I become. Surrendering all to Father, through Jesus in the power of the Holy Spirit really does bring freedom, not just in name, but in experience too.