I am beginning to feel like that Newton's Cradle. My thoughts swinging wildly back and forth from one extreme to the other. One moment I think my faith in God is returning and things will go back to normal. The next moment I am back to thinking 'there is no God'. I don't know what I think any more. I am hoping that the swinging will stop eventually, like a Newton's Cradle stops eventually. I guess I am impatient. I want it to stop now.The constant movement is making me nauseous. I want to know what I believe. It feels daft not knowing what I believe about something. I used to be so convinced by the intelligent design argument. I couldn't see how anyone could possibly believe that there was not a Creator behind our universe. It all seemed so obvious to me that he was there, and that he loved me.
Somehow that certainty has gone. Most of the time I can't believe that there is a God. It seems ridiculous to think there is a God. But then I will see a beautiful sunset and that inner voice that I always thought was God, starts to speak to me about a Creator God and so the steel ball of my beliefs swings back the other way again.
I think I have spent so much of my life being told what I think by others, at school, at nursing school, at church that I now can't easily work out what I think about things. I want someone to tell me what I believe. I want them to tell me what is happening to me. But I know that to really find peace I have to do that for myself. I have to listen carefully, and non-judgementally to the different voices. I need to give myself space to work it all out. I have still been going to church most Sundays but now I wonder if I need space from that, space from voices telling me what a 'good Christian' thinks and believes. I think I need quietness and silence is something I have always run away from. I think I need to start to listen to the silence.