A couple of weeks ago I wrote about trusting in God. Now a couple of weeks later I am even more aware how hard it can be to trust Him in difficult times. I am having a battle to trust God at the moment. I know I trust Him more than I have done before but at the same time I am still anxious at times about the future.
I am still without a full time job, and have to depend on state hand-outs to help me make ends meet. I want to support myself fully not rely on others. I find myself worrying at times about the situation. At other times I trust God and know totally that He will look after me. I have wonderful friends and family who would not see me in desperate want and I am so grateful for them. But still at times I worry and get anxious. I obviously don’t trust God as much as I could.
This has led me to think through why I don’t trust Him. I believe it all stems from not really knowing Him. Oh, I like to think I know Him. And indeed I know a lot about Him on an intellectual level. I’ve read His Word, repeatedly over the years. But there is a part of my heart that does not believe what I have read. I find myself wondering if God really will help me with getting the right job. Does He really have a plan for my life? Does He really love me as much as I think He does? I have a lot of ‘what if’ questions flying around my head.
At times like this I have to make a choice. I can choose to believe what I read and what I know as an act of my will. I read back over things I have learned before. I look at things that inspire me. I look in my prayer journal and see again what I said about how God has spoken to me before. The first two pictures on this page are examples of when I started doodling in a previous time of difficulty. God spoke powerfully to me through both pictures. It is a little like what Joshua did in Joshua 4. They built a memorial with stones.
“When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua, 2 ‘Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, 3 and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight.’My pictures are like those stones. They help me remember how God helped me before and give me hope that He will help me once more. And then I remember that when God helped me before I stood and looked at Him. I didn’t look to the problem. I looked to His light and His love and gradually I see again with the eyes of my heart that God is in full control.
4 So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, 5 and said to them, ‘Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, “What do these stones mean?” 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel for ever.’
8 So the Israelites did as Joshua commanded them. They took twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, as the Lord had told Joshua; and they carried them over with them to their camp, where they put them down. 9 Joshua set up the twelve stones that had been in the middle of the Jordan at the spot where the priests who carried the ark of the covenant had stood. And they are there to this day.” Joshua 4:1-9
For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11