Welcome to the Patchwork Blog! I hope you enjoy reading my random thoughts about life, Jesus and the freedom he offers.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Roller coaster ride

I found myself leading our Bible study group on Tuesday. It scared me how quickly I fell back into it. I was back on auto-pilot and  asking questions etc. At the time it felt OK but I now feel very vulnerable and scared in a funny way. Not sure what is going on for me. I don't want to get back to where I was before. I want this time to be a real heart response to God. I want to discover Him without being told what to think or believe. It is almost like being on a roller coaster. I got on without realising what I was doing and then was scared I couldn't get back off.  There is an advert in the UK at the moment. An older couple sit on a seat to each sandwiches. The man asks for a cheese one. Then the mechanical seat restraints of a roller coaster come down over them and they find themselves on a ride they were not expecting.  After they get off the man ask his wife "what sort of cheese was that?". I can't  think now what it advertises but it is sort of how I have been feeling this week.

The people at this church I am going to are lovely. But it is all just the same as before. The same kind of people, and the same opinions and cliches about God. I feel like I am being dragged back into a swamp again.

I helped on a women's breakfast yesterday. I wished I had not in some ways. All the old resentments about working for the church came back to me. I found myself getting very angry with the whole situation. But I stayed and kept helping because I really like the lady who was co-ordinating the whole thing and she was working so hard for us all.

I don't want to be back in the situation when I trying make my faith fit what others say. I want to work out a relationship with God on my own. I want to open my heart to Him but fear stops me. I spent a lot of my time in ministry receiving things about God at a head level, and then immediately giving them away by telling others without letting it drop into my heart. I  am scared I will be back to that again. I don't want to do that. I want to start receiving the things I learn about God - it is the only way to freedom. And I need freedom from things holding me back in my life.


  1. I am wondering why you are doing what clearly makes you feel uncomfortable? You are free and it has cost you a lot to obtain that freedom. Do you really want to give it up? Is it for duty or security or habit or calling? Just a thought!

  2. That Mandy is an excellent question. I wish I knew. It is almost like I think something terrible will happen if I don't do what is expected of me. I know that sounds strange. I had something I was doing tonight but have not gone - I didn't want to go, so decided not to. But it feels scary in a strange way!

    Keep asking the questions - it really helps! I had the question in my sub conscious and you asking it helps it come out and gets me thinking! Very helpful indeed.

  3. Good for you! How was Easter for you? I find it quite difficult as I no longer attend church - I have to deal with a lingering sense of guilt and the anger that comes with that, but also a sadness that it is no longer a special time of year for me. I also struggle with the feeling that the church manufactures sadness on the Friday and then joy on the Sunday and I am expected to feel those feelings - I know, silly

  4. Easter was good actually. It was the first time I had been in a service at Easter and felt able to totally relax and just receive.

    I also took great joy in not going on the walk of witness at 9am Good Friday morning!

    I feel my faith is starting to return, but this time I want it to be at a heart level, rather than a head one.