I realised this afternoon that one of the feelings I have buzzing around my head is a deep feeling of loss and grief that I don't have God anymore. I want to believe in God desperately. For most of the years I had a faith in God he was a friend and a strength through bad times. I am feeling desperately sad that deep down I no longer believe in the existence of a God. I just feel bereft. I am trying to convince myself that there is a God but deep down I just don't think I believe there is one. There is a big gaping hole where God used to be. What am I going to fill that hole with? How do I cope on my own?
There is a little fear that if I am wrong God will send me to hell for not believing in him anymore. But another part of me thinks that if God is loving then he won't do that. He would understand my confusion. But if I am wrong and there is a God why is he not speaking to me and reassuring me of his existence. But as I am writing this I am beginning to feel hope again. If I feel this desperate for God and he does exist surely he will show himself to me? I have this verse from the Bible going through my mind. I feel like the picture - so dry and bereft of all that feeds me spiritually. It seems too good to be true that there is a God.
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I feel that I have started to work out some of the voices in my head. At least that is something.