Lord, don't you care...?

I was listening this morning to a Liz Babbs meditation CD. This one is called Immerse. In it she was talking about Mary and Martha from Luke's gospel, chapter 10 (v 38-42). Here is the story from the King James Version of the Bible.

Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house.
And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word.
But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.
And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:
But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

I have always been a bit of a Martha person. If there is work to be done I want to do it now, get it out of the way then I can switch off. When I read this story I so sympathised with Martha. I saw it all from her point of view. Jesus should have told Mary to go and help Martha, I thought. Then they could all sit down and enjoy his company together afterwards.  I could always see why Martha says to Him, Lord, dost thou not care...  It all seemed most unfair to poor Martha. I couldn't see why Mary should sit and do nothing. It seemed to me that Jesus was favouring Mary, and treating Martha badly. 

As Liz spoke on the CD today though, I had a different picture in my mind. I could see the scene as Jesus would have liked it to happen. I believe now that he would have loved for Martha to join him and Mary. He would rather they all sat together, and that both Mary and Martha would have sat at his feet, just enjoying his presence and hanging on every word. Then at some point later in the day they would prepare the things that were necessary together.  Jesus wanted them both to sit and enjoy his presence first. Mary had priorised correctly, she had chosen Jesus above all else, above the social norms and pretensions of the day. She sat and drank in the presence of the Lord, immersed totally in all he said. 

Over the last few weeks I have been in a tough situation. Since Jesus released me from food addiction last year I no longer bury my emotions. I wrote about this last year in these posts, Emotions playing catch up, Spiritual Battles and Trusting in God's goodness and love. What has been tough is learning to feel difficult emotions. This has been a steep learning curve for me. It's been a tough year but I know I am learning. This have been rough recently but I am learning to spend time in God's presence just resting, and drinking in his presence as Mary did all those years ago. At times I am still worrying and fussing like Martha, but good friends sit and listen to me; they pray for me and remind me of the love of Jesus. Then I am gradually calmed again. I am glad I have had this tough time. If all had been lovely and rosy in Lynda's garden I would not have learnt these new vital skills. 

View from the window where I live. Wish I could take it with
 me when I leave (which I will be doing imminently)

Things that help me enter into God's presence are beautiful views, like the one in the picture to your left. It is the view from the window of the house I am currently staying in. I never tire of sitting in the window drinking in the view of the sun sinking into the sea (I'm not often awake enough to see it rise! ). I also listen a lot to Liz Babbs's mediation CD's. My favourite one is 'A quiet place'. I feel bathed in God's love afterwards. Sitting in the window listening  to that CD is such a blessing. 

I've switched sides. Now I want to be a Mary. I long to sit at His feet and drink in His presence. Oh, don't get me wrong. I still have my Martha moments. But I am learning and that is good. God is good! 

Being Known - Freedom from food addiction

Since writing the post below I have learned a lot about why I found freedom from food addiction. The post below talks about my identity as as a Christian being key to my finding freedom. But now I know that actually it is more specific than that.  It is coming to know more intimately my identity as a child of my Heavenly Father that I have found freedom. Jesus died on the cross to remove the barrier than stopped me having intimacy with Father God. So often I concentrate on Jesus and forget Father God.

I had an emptiness inside me that I tried to fill with food. But the hunger was never sated. It couldn't be because I wasn't really hungry for food. I was hungering for intimacy with Father God. 

And now I am learning to allow Father God to fill those empty spaces and the need to binge has gone. I had to let go of it but once I knew that love of Papa God I had the courage to do it. I knew the emptiness was being filled with something that would really fulfil me. 


To read more about my discovery of the Father Heart of God read my post, Discovering our Father's Heart on here or read the same post on More than Writers, (the blog of the Association of Christian Writers) for which I am regular contributor. 

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Ashamed of Jesus?

I've had this thought floating in and out of my mind for a couple of months now. Am I ashamed of Jesus? If so why? Why don't I talk about him more to others more than I do? I can dress it up in spiritual language to myself. For example "I am waiting for the Holy Spirit to prompt me" or "I don't want to proselytize so I will keep quiet". I am guessing many Christians are like me and have moments when they could have said something and don't do so. I am sure I am not the only one who comes up with excuses like these ones.

Maybe I am a coward because if I am honest I think I am more concerned about what people think of me than I am about what God thinks of me. There is at heart a fear of rejection by people, even if they are complete strangers!  Jesus has very firm words to say on this subject. I should take heed of them. 

The sculpture depicting the Holy Trinity at
Holy Trinity Church, Hounslow, Middlesex UK
(You have to look carefully  to see the dove
between the Father and the Son.)

Mark 8: 34 - 38

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”

I want to start being bolder in letting folk know what I believe  And for those reading this who are not  Christians. Please don't worry that I am going to be a Bible basher taking every opportunity to tell people the  gospel in full whenever I can. I will be sensitive I hope but I do need to be firm as well in what I believe if the subject comes up. After all  the gospel I believe in is one of love, it is a gospel of how a God loved the world so much he sent his son to die for us. God does not condemn us, he accepts. He doesn't reject us. he longs to welcome us. 

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:16-17

Jesus came to us from heaven, God himself came as a vulnerable baby who would grow up to die for the sins of the world. The least I can do is tell folk that when it is appropriate.

Please Father, give me boldness when it is appropriate to speak about  you to those who need to hear about you love and grace. Amen

Emotions playing catch up

My current state of being in limbo has been testing my faith and my relationship with God. But in this time of uncertainty there is also a great deal of learning.  One thing is coming to me more and more each day. I am learning that my emotions don't necessarily reflect what is going on in my mind. My emotions are up and down because I don't have a job, or money coming in and yet still have bills to pay. But my spirit is still sure that God loves me and He is good all the time. My emotions are just taking a while to catch up with this truth. I have spent so many years eating my emotions away with bingeing on sweet foods that I am new at all this feeling difficult emotions thing. I am having to learn to feel emotions well. I have to learn new ways of dealing with them.

I think I have a tendency still to see feeling any difficult emotions as a failure (funnily enough I only believe it is a failure in me - in others it is a perfectly acceptable and normal thing!). But it is normal given my current situation (i.e.who is living in temporary accommodation, with no money yet bills to pay, and a job that will not start for a few weeks) to feel emotional. It is a normal human response to uncertainty.

When all around me is uncertain I need to look at what is secure in my life. And this is where this post follows on from the last one. I know God loves me and has a plan for my life. I also know He is good and is working all things for good in my life. I have had a lot of words from Him saying He will speak to me and guide me. As in the last post, I need to keep my eyes focused on what is still, motionless and sure - the love God has for me, and His goodness.

I suffer from motion sickness and if I am a passenger in a car for too long I start to feel sick, especially if I am in the back seat. What helps is to look out of the front window with my eyes fixed on the road ahead as if I were driving the vehicle. It gives my brain an assurance of stability that stops the nausea from getting too bad (I never feel sick if I am driving). Gazing at God in times of turmoil has the same effect!

I know God wants to teach me about being focused on Him in times of turmoil and I pray I learn it well. I think my interim report from the Lord would probably say 'could do better'! However, it is said with love and a look in His eyes that is urging me on to deeper trust in Him.

I pray you will be able to do the same in your own times of turmoil.

Trusting in God's Goodness and Love

I've been working on how to trust God these last few weeks. It's been hard. I've been making the same mistake as I so often do. I have been confusing my feelings with trusting or having faith. I should have known better. I learned this and also wrote about it in my book, He Never Let Go, when I learned to believe once more in the existence of God as an act of my will, rather than waiting to feel this faith. 

Over the last few weeks I've been trying to squeeze out trust as a feeling and condemning myself when I feel afraid. I gave in my notice at work 5 1/2 weeks ago. As my job is residential it means in 2 1/2 weeks time I  not only have no job but I also have nowhere to live either. 

I allowed fear to get hold of me and I thought this meant I was unable to trust. Then I started to realise (again!) that trusting in God is an act of my will. I  decided that I can choose to trust him despite what is going on around me. But what am I basing this trust on? What is the foundation of this trust?
  

Abstract View of Bexhill Beach

I took the photo on the left on Bexhill beach a few weeks ago. I don't know why I took it. I was playing around with abstract ideas. I thought I would see if I could get all the posts lined up in the photo. I quite like the shot. I wish I had had my camera with me rather than just a mobile phone.

Looking at this photo now I remember to get the posts lined up I lined up the first two posts first. I changed my position until the first two were in line. And then because the posts were already in a line the rest just automatically fell into place. 



I realise now that there are two things I can base my trust in God on.

1. God is good all the time
2. God loves me more than anyone else ever will and proved it by dying for me.  

When I get these two things into line I find the trust comes much easier. It starts to fall into line. I chose to accept that God is good and He loves me. It makes trusting so much easier. I didn't feel the trust it was a choice I made as an act of my will. 

Earlier this week Bill Johnson put the following status on his Facebook page. "I will not sacrifice the idea that God is good on the altar of human reasoning in order to find an answer for what I don't understand or can't explain." (Bill Johnson).

I may not always know why I am going through hard times. I may not be able to find an answer for it but I can chose to believe that God is good and He loves me. 

Trust Him - it makes so much else fall into place. It makes life that much easier! A kind friend Dave texted me the following well known verses this week. It was so good to be reminded of them. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways acknowledge him,    and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Home is where the heart is

"Front door",
I painted this from a friend's photo

One of my dreams for a long time has been for a home of my own. I have lived in tied accommodation for 15 years now. Fifteen years of knowing that where I live is directly provided by my employer. The last two years have been the most difficult of those because I have been working directly out of my flat. I am currently the manager of a block of retirement flats. All the office stuff is in my living room and I work out of that living room. I am on-duty or on-call all the time I am at home. I can only be fully off-duty when I am away from my home. 

My longing for a 'real' home has been so strong that it is almost a pain. I long for a place that I can decorate how I want.  A place that doesn't have 25-30 year old carpets of dodgy colours and/or patterns. A place that I can put whatever colour I like onto the walls - even black if I so choose (I wouldn't actually!). 

But what is behind this longing? Is the colour of the walls and carpet really so important or is there something else going on. I have realised for a long time that I want a place of my own because I want to feel secure. I want a place where I am be myself with no fear of judgement or ridicule. The colour of the walls in one sense is immaterial. 

Over the last 20 months since I came back to God my faith is growing stronger all the time. My relationship with Father God is deepening all the time. I have been learning to go to Him for my emotional needs not just other people (or worse keeping the pain locked in or eating it away). I have been learning to lean on Him. 

The other day I was sitting on a bench at Seaford beach overlooking the sea. It was beautiful. I realised something in that moment. I realised that God is now my home. My security is in God more than it has been before. A home of my own is no longer as much of a need as it was. It is something I would love to have one day but it is not a need for security anymore. God fulfills that need now. My heart didn't really have a home before but now my heart's home is in Father God not in a dream of bricks and mortar. 

I am in a time of turmoil at the moment. I have handed in my notice at my job managing the retirement flats. Not only have I found it really hard living-in but it is also incredibly quiet here and I spend large amounts of time alone doing nothing in particular (although it did give me the time to write my book). In the end the boredom and isolation finally got to me and I gave my 2 months notice 4 weeks ago. 

This rather wonky looking house is the view from my
sister's villa in Spain. (someone needs to teach me about
perspectives in painting!!)    

This means that in 4 weeks time not only will I have no job but I will have no home either. I have friends who have generously said I can have a bed for a while until I get settled so I won't be on the streets. I am applying to care agencies (something I have done before) to get  work as a home carer which would give me an income. I have had days when I am wobbling emotionally and feeling anxious but I am surprised how 'together' I am most of the time. It is testament to how much God is changing me. He is now where my heart is and so He is my home. I can relax and know that God is in charge of it all! The amazing thing is that God is far more stable than any building I could live in. He is always there and will never let me down. Allow God to give your heart a home. 

Don Francisco has written a lovely song called  'Give your heart a home' . It's one of my favourites of his. The link will take you to Don's website where you can not only listen to it in full but also download it for free if you like. The chorus has lovely words...

"If you're tired and weary, weak and heavy laden
I can understand how it feels to be aloneI will take your burden, if you'll let Me love you,Wrap My arms around you, Give your heart a home"

On the winning side

My last two posts, Spiritual Battles and seeking the healer not the healing  have been about my being set free from my compulsive overeating. I am so pleased with the way this is going. The worst that has happened with my eating is making unwise choices when I am hungry. When I am  no longer hungry I stop eating even if it is chocolate. I am learning more to encourage myself in the Lord as King David of Israel did thousands of years ago. It is working.  I am still learning and only just beginning but I know now I am on the winning side!

Tonight I am feeling anxious about something. So I decided to sit down with a tin of biscuits to finish off my evening meal. Like a sort of test to see what would happen. Would I go back to overeating? The worst I could do was one bourbon and one custard cream. Given how much I used to put away this is NOTHING! I looked at the tin after my 2 biscuit pudding and didn't want any more. I put the tin back in the kitchen. Yesterday I was at a party, with a buffet. I only went up once. And yes I ate more than I would ordinarily but that is normal behaviour for anyone at a party. I am so pleased. It is about 4 or 5 months later and  I am slowly losing weight (very slowly) without trying. I feel almost normal around food! It feels like a miracle!

"Journey Home" painted by me on 5th August 2012

I feel like I am on the last leg of my journey home from the difficult time of being held captive by compulsive overeating. It feels wonderful, and exhilarating. Just to think that this time two years ago I was still locked into the pain and desolation of no longer believing in the existence of God. I have come so far in two years. God is faithful and loving. He is kind.

It's all part of my learning to allow God to be to me all that I long for. Home is a huge part of my desires. More on the idea journeying home on the next blog post.