I painted this from a friend's photo
My longing for a 'real' home has been so strong that it is almost a pain. I long for a place that I can decorate how I want. A place that doesn't have 25-30 year old carpets of dodgy colours and/or patterns. A place that I can put whatever colour I like onto the walls - even black if I so choose (I wouldn't actually!).
But what is behind this longing? Is the colour of the walls and carpet really so important or is there something else going on. I have realised for a long time that I want a place of my own because I want to feel secure. I want a place where I am be myself with no fear of judgement or ridicule. The colour of the walls in one sense is immaterial.
Over the last 20 months since I came back to God my faith is growing stronger all the time. My relationship with Father God is deepening all the time. I have been learning to go to Him for my emotional needs not just other people (or worse keeping the pain locked in or eating it away). I have been learning to lean on Him.
The other day I was sitting on a bench at Seaford beach overlooking the sea. It was beautiful. I realised something in that moment. I realised that God is now my home. My security is in God more than it has been before. A home of my own is no longer as much of a need as it was. It is something I would love to have one day but it is not a need for security anymore. God fulfills that need now. My heart didn't really have a home before but now my heart's home is in Father God not in a dream of bricks and mortar.
I am in a time of turmoil at the moment. I have handed in my notice at my job managing the retirement flats. Not only have I found it really hard living-in but it is also incredibly quiet here and I spend large amounts of time alone doing nothing in particular (although it did give me the time to write my book). In the end the boredom and isolation finally got to me and I gave my 2 months notice 4 weeks ago.
|This rather wonky looking house is the view from my |
sister's villa in Spain. (someone needs to teach me about
perspectives in painting!!)
Don Francisco has written a lovely song called 'Give your heart a home' . It's one of my favourites of his. The link will take you to Don's website where you can not only listen to it in full but also download it for free if you like. The chorus has lovely words...
"If you're tired and weary, weak and heavy laden
I can understand how it feels to be aloneI will take your burden, if you'll let Me love you,Wrap My arms around you, Give your heart a home"