Teaching for Christian singles

I've been thinking more about singleness and being Christian.  I've started to wonder if God is calling me to begin some kind of teaching for single people in my area. It is still very much in the 'this is an idea I am praying about' sort of stage. If it is God inspired then He will  lead me I am sure.  I want to follow where He leads not run ahead of him.

We quite rightly  have specialised teaching for those who are married with the Marriage Course, we have parenting courses, divorce recovery courses, help those those with addictions and many others.  But what teaching is there out there for single Christians?  I am not talking about setting up groups aimed at dating and finding a partner. There are plenty of websites for single Christians to join in the search for a partner (that is a whole other post in itself ). I am thinking more about teaching people, and providing opportunities for Bible based discussions on subjects to do with being single as a Christian.

What teaching would be needed? Maybe looking at the church's attitudes to singleness, how to deal with the pain of unwanted long term singleness, loneliness, the lack of companionship, sexual frustration , the absence of touch (not sexual but just general hugs etc), practical issues of holidays alone, where to spend Christmas, is it right to want marriage, how do you know if God is calling you to be single?

If you are a single Christian what subjects would you like to see covered? Do you think it is right that we have teaching for singles? Can you see a place for a course on coping with unwanted long term singleness? I would love to hear what you think.

Singleness and the Christian Life

   

  I've been thinking a lot recently about singleness and how it affects me as a single Christian. One of the things I have realised since starting to write my book about my crisis of faith is that not dealing with the pain of singleness is one of the main contributory factors in my losing faith.  The following are excerpts from the first draft of my book, He Never Let Go.

I have never imagined myself as a career girl. I never had a career plan. I wouldn’t be working for that many years. I thought I only needed a job until I met the right man. I always thought I would get married, have a home, have children, and be a stay-at-home mum. I never dreamt for a moment that I would be single and childless in my late forties, but that is where I have found myself. Like many little girls I dreamt of my wedding day. I dreamt of the white dress, the bridesmaids, the flowers, and the handsome groom. I dreamt of a home of my own to look after. I dreamt of children. It never occurred to me that it might not happen. It really didn’t ever occur to me until later that it might not happen . . .

Over the years, I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed for a husband. I prayed on my own. I prayed with others. I fasted and prayed. I believed that God had spoken to me through Pat but also in other ways too. I kept waiting for God to fulfil what I thought was His promise to me. I waited for a husband. I waited but the only weddings I went to were those of other people. At first, it was fun to see my friends married. I thought, ‘One day I’ll have a wedding’. However, as time went on, and more friends got married and I didn’t, it got harder and harder to go and keep a smile on my face. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for them. I was delighted. I just wanted it for myself too. I tried to keep my pain to myself. I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s special day. . . 

I can see now that I should have dealt with my disappointments sooner. I buried a lot of my pain. I let out some of it but I didn’t really allow people to see how badly I was hurting. A part of me thought that if people knew how badly I wanted to get married, and have a home and children, they would laugh at me. I thought they would think ‘How could she think that anyone would want her?’ A lack of confidence led me to believe that I wasn’t good enough to be married. This shame prevented me from seeking help to deal with my anguish. I think I simply needed to cry it out on someone’s shoulder, to sob it out, but so often, I pushed it down. 

      Why was I never able to be totally honest about my pain. I think one reason is that I kept thinking God must be everything to me. If I still want to get married then I am not a good Christian. I hadn't taken on board the truth of what God says in Genesis 2:18 'Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is right for him'. But it is clear here that it is the norm that people need other people. It is not good to be alone. That is why God says later on through the Psalmist  in Psalm 68:6 'God places lonely people in families.' He knows it is not good to be alone.

      So why am I still punishing myself for not being able to cope with just me and God? I know the answer may not be marriage for me but I need to  look for the families that God wants to place me in to give me what I need as a human being. 

Are we giving single Christians false expectations? Where did I get the idea that I had to be self-sufficient with just God? People sometimes quote the verse in Isaiah 54 about God being a husband to us - implying that should be enough for us. But that verse was written to the whole nation of Israel - it wasn't written for just single people. Yes, God wants to be a like a husband to us, but he wants to be like that for everyone - including those who are happily married, unhappily married or too young to be married yet. 

I don't know what the answers are for me or for other singles but I would love to get discussions going about the whole issue. 

Is doubt an important part of faith?

Since going through a time of almost atheism I have found that my attitude to doubt has changed. It now seems more important to acknowledge it in my life. Doubt now makes my faith more real, more like faith. Before this crisis of faith I tried to make myself believe wholeheartedly by pretending doubt wasn't there. It didn't help. I almost walked away from God completely despite my best efforts at being full of faith.

I think what I called faith before was blind acceptance not faith. Maybe I am being hard on myself because I know there were times when my faith was real and based on faith not blind acceptance. Blind acceptance is the overall impression I am left with when I look back on some of those years. I read  recently that the oppostie of faith is not doubt - it is certainty. Now I have been through my own time of  severe doubt I know what it means to say that - certainty is the opposite of what I feel now when I talk about faith. Prior to my crisis of faith I would have describe my faith as certainty. back then  I was trying to be a good Christian. I was trying to be what I thought I should be. Now I want to be what I am. And I want to be what I am with God beside me being what He is.

The following is an excerpt from my book He Never Let Go

In February 2011, I heard a lovely, wise Catholic Priest talk about how the light can be more appreciated when you know the darkness. I think I am beginning to realise that for myself. I have now experienced the darkness of a time of believing there is no God. I know what it is to have just a deep, dark, empty, void where my faith used to be. I know what it is to have no anchor for my life. Having this experience means that the faith I have now seems even more precious to me. The light of faith is so much brighter than it was before. It’s only a small beginning but I am beginning to see the value of questions and doubt. I know I will go on learning more.

What about you? How does doubt affect you?

He Never Let Go

Writing this blog has proved very helpful. It has helped me give voice to the vague rumblings of thought bubbling away in my subconscious. Comments have proved even more helpful in prompting me to think things through even more.

Writing my book was like that only more so. I decided to write about my experiences of loosing my faith while still working as a parish evangelist in London. I am so grateful that my faith returned after leaving ministry. Writing about it has cemented everything that happened in my mind.

My book is now with a few kind family and friends who are reading it for me. I have had some good feed back for it.

This morning my step-mum left this on my Facebook wall "Dear Lynda, look at the time! 23.36! I am so enjoying your book I don't want to put it down and I'm forgetting that my task is to proof read it. I'll have to read it right through once, then start again to make the corrections you want. It's very readable - well done indeed!"

Yesterday Tim Ross wrote this "I’ve just finished reading the first two chapters, and already I want to know what’s going to happen. Because of the title of the book and the introduction, the reader (me) is wondering how it can possibly all go wrong, which lends a great sense of anticipation. You’ve got a nice, clear style with uncomplicated language, which I like, as it makes the book all the more readable." Tim also wrote helpful a few very helpful editorial points which is fantastic. Exactly the kind of feed back I needed!

I started playing around with covers for my book. I had all sorts of images in my mind. Many examples of what I played around with are on my Facebook page, He Never Let Go, http://www.facebook.com/LyndaJAlsford 

 
But then one of my fb friends posted something on my wall. I had previously added various photos of my sample covers asking for comments. Graham O'Leary very kindly played around with ideas himself. He came up with the cover you see on this post. He said "I took the liberty of bold and Minimal! What you think?" What do I think? I think its fantastic. I love the bold and I love the minimal. I really love it. It is eye catching. It will jump of the shelves metaphorically speaking and hopefully literally as well! It speaks of where I am now, rather than where I was during my crisis. I am very grateful to him. It is the cover I think I shall use.

God has been so involved in every step of the way. He gave me the idea. He sent the lovely Kathie Kearny to say to me directly" I think you need to write a book about it".  He has helped me to write the book. He has sent lovely people at every step of the way to encourage me. The whole project is in his hands. It is up to him how and when it is published. I am pushing various publishing doors and have no doubt that if the Lord wants it published then it will be published!  I love you Jesus. 

Book writing going well

I've been neglecting my blog somewhat of recent weeks. I have been busy writing my book instead, It's going really well. I have practically finished the first draft of the book now. I've got a bit stuck on how to structure the final two chapters,  and can't work out how to end it yet either. But the rest of it is coming along well. I am giving the final chapters a break at the moment. I think if  I go back to them after not looking at them for a while it will become clearer. I am now editing the book. I find I am enjoying this much more than I did the actual writing of it to begin with. I feel it is really taking shape.

Obviously it would be great if it was published but for the moment I am concentrating on the process of writing it. It is an important process for me. It's proving to be very healing too.  I already have people lined up to read it for me so I can get feedback about it,  which is great. Once I've had it back from them and applied any changes etc it will be time to start looking for a publisher or to decide to self-publish.  But that is some time ahead yet.

There is a free draft  copy of the Introduction to my book on my website http://www.lyndaalsford.com on the Book page. If you have any comments about it I would love to hear them.

What is faith?

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 NRSV

I have been thinking a lot since I started believing in God again about the nature of faith. What does it mean to have faith? Before my crisis of faith I would have said that I just had faith. I felt faith. I 'just knew' things about God. Now my perception of faith is very different.  Somehow it is in the doubt I went through, that I have really found faith. Experiencing doubt has helped me have faith. My faith is no longer a feeling. It is a choice. I can choose to have faith.  I used to think that to have faith I had to be 100% sure of every thing. Now I see that it's because I am not 100% sure but still take that decision to believe, that leap into the unknown, that it is called faith. I'm struggling to put into words what I really  mean about it.  I like the this quote about faith and certainty.

"I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me--that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns."

— Anne Lamott (Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith)

That seems to  make sense to me. Its like before hand my certainty was based on me, on the fact that I had faith,, I believed. Now it seems that I know nothing, but I take a leap into the arms of God, knowing nothing but that God will catch me. I still have times when I don't know if I believe really. But again I take that leap of faith into the arms of my loving heavenly Father. He catches me. But it is the leap into the unknown that makes it faith to me. If i was certain would it be faith? Somehow with faith like this, rather than being certainty it feels like it is more God based than Lynda based at last.

A friend of mine who is a Bible scholar tells me that he thinks the above translation of  Hebrews 11:1 is the closest to the original Greek. I like the fact that it doesn't use the word certainty. As the priest said to Anne Lamott in the above quote, certainty now feels like the opposite of faith, not doubt. Doubt now seems to be a vital part of my faith.  It makes my faith real.

Writing a book

Those of you who are not on my Facebook list may not know that I have decided to write a book about my experiences of going through this time of doubt and coming out the otherside of it. I have already started it, but not got that far with it! I think it will be a very cathartic experience writing it even if it doesn't end up published, although I hope it will be. I am also starting to read round other books about the same subject. If you know of any books you could recommend please let me know. I will read St John of the Cross's 'Dark night of the soul', Mother Teresa's 'Come be my Light' and 'Losing faith' by Andy Frost, to start with.  Seems a bit daunting but also exciting as I am sure it is God who is leading me to write it.