Writing a book

Those of you who are not on my Facebook list may not know that I have decided to write a book about my experiences of going through this time of doubt and coming out the otherside of it. I have already started it, but not got that far with it! I think it will be a very cathartic experience writing it even if it doesn't end up published, although I hope it will be. I am also starting to read round other books about the same subject. If you know of any books you could recommend please let me know. I will read St John of the Cross's 'Dark night of the soul', Mother Teresa's 'Come be my Light' and 'Losing faith' by Andy Frost, to start with.  Seems a bit daunting but also exciting as I am sure it is God who is leading me to write it.

Learning to live in the love of God

Since my dream of Jesus' love I have continued to feel closer to God. The challenge now is to learn to live in His love, to stay close to Him each day. I think that is what God is wanting me to learn now. So often I have things in my strength.  Now I  need to learn to do things in His strength.

I find I am enjoying worship in a way I haven't for ages and ages. I really feel close to God when I am singing his praises. It really helps. I have started playing worship songs at home again and find it really lifts my mood.  I lie on my bed in the morning and evening and listen to worship music, and feel myself back in the presence of God again. But even with all this it is still so easy to forget Him  and to allow negative thoughts to take over. I found myself feeling anxious today about the purchase of a flat, wondering if I have done the right thing. Will I find a tenant? It is so easy to dwell on those thoughts rather than talking to Jesus and letting him help me.

I am reminded of the hymn " What a friend we have in Jesus", written by Joseph Scriven. He suffered the pain of his fiancee dying the day before their wedding, and then when he later became engaged to another lady she too died before their wedding took place. Still was able to write these words. Amazing. I look forward to meeting him in heaven!

1. What a friend we have in Jesus, 
 all our sins and griefs to bear! 
 What a privilege to carry 
 everything to God in prayer! 
 O what peace we often forfeit,
 O what needless pain we bear, 
 all because we do not carry 
 everything to God in prayer. 

2. Have we trials and temptations? 
 Is there trouble anywhere? 
 We should never be discouraged; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 
 Can we find a friend so faithful 
 who will all our sorrows share? 
 Jesus knows our every weakness; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 

3. Are we weak and heavy laden, 
 cumbered with a load of care? 
 Precious Savior, still our refuge; 
 take it to the Lord in prayer. 
 Do thy friends despise, forsake thee? 
 Take it to the Lord in prayer! 
 In his arms he'll take and shield thee; 
 thou wilt find a solace there.

Why do we struggle on trying to cope on our own when we could have the God of the universe helping us? In my experience God doesn't stop us feeling these things but will help us to go through them. Lord help me to look to you for strength.

The power of dreams

I had an amazing experience recently. I knew I needed receive the love of Jesus into my life more.  I hadn't really let go and allowed myself to receive His love. I kept pushing Him away and over eating to fill up the emptiness.  However at the same time I was asking the Lord to help me to open up more to Him.



©Charlie Mackesy      www.charliemackesy.com
The Prodigal Daughter by Charlie Mackesy



God answered my prayer in a very unexpected way. I had a dream a week or so ago. I dreamt I was leaving to go on a journey somewhere with friends, who weren't people I know, although I knew them in the dream. We were running around getting ready for the journey. Just as we were about to leave I noticed that Jesus stood in the corner with a look of such love on his face I felt overwhelmed. He had been standing there the whole time and my friends and I had been running around ignoring Him.  I just knew then, in my dream, that I couldn't leave. I rushed over to Jesus and as a child with her father I just climbed into his lap and had a hug. I awoke  still feeling this love, and it has stayed with me. I feel like I have been 'born again' again! As the picture shows I have been taken up into Jesus' arms despite having rejected Him and gone my own way. And still He loves me unconditionally. He loves you the same way, whoever you are, whatever you have done.

Church as an idol?

Ever since Mandy asked the question "I am wondering why you are doing what clearly makes you feel uncomfortable?", I have been wondering why I seem to be pulled to getting so involved with a church again. I think agreeing to lead the Bible study and helping out on the morning of the ladies breakfast was going too fast too soon. I rushed back onto auto-pilot. Big mistake!

I think I am getting Church and God mixed up in my heart.  I think perhaps I need to rethink what it means to be a member of the church. I need to rethink my role as a Christian in the local church. It's almost like being a 'good' member of the church, and being approved of by them is more important than spending time with God and building up my relationship with Him again. Or its like I think that in order to love God I must get deeply involved in the church straight away.

I have made this leap of faith, and  I have chosen to believe in God  but for some reason I am going back to what it was like before. Church before God. I need to start as I mean to go on and worship God first, not Church. The Westminster Confession says  "Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever."  I have started to believe in God again but now my focus has gone off God and onto Church.

If I don't make God my first priority then I will end up burnt out as I was before.  I think I need to learn to get a balance between loving God and building my relationship with Him, and  my need to be involved in the local church. At the moment it is veering back to being tipped in favour of Church again. If there is a God and I have made a step of faith, by choosing to believe that there is one, then He must come first.  It is God who gives me eternal life, not the church.



Am I worshipping God or the church?

 I don't think I have realised before how much my faith is tied up in what I do at Church. Even as I write this I am realising how much my view of God is tied up in being accepted by the local church rather than by being accepted by God. Being a Christian has been about faith for me but a large part of it has been being involved in the church. Church has become my God.  Being involved in church, and what the church think of me has been my idol. I want God to be my God not Church. I want to learn to spend time with God for His sake, not for how church will view me.

Roller coaster ride

I found myself leading our Bible study group on Tuesday. It scared me how quickly I fell back into it. I was back on auto-pilot and  asking questions etc. At the time it felt OK but I now feel very vulnerable and scared in a funny way. Not sure what is going on for me. I don't want to get back to where I was before. I want this time to be a real heart response to God. I want to discover Him without being told what to think or believe. It is almost like being on a roller coaster. I got on without realising what I was doing and then was scared I couldn't get back off.  There is an advert in the UK at the moment. An older couple sit on a seat to each sandwiches. The man asks for a cheese one. Then the mechanical seat restraints of a roller coaster come down over them and they find themselves on a ride they were not expecting.  After they get off the man ask his wife "what sort of cheese was that?". I can't  think now what it advertises but it is sort of how I have been feeling this week.

The people at this church I am going to are lovely. But it is all just the same as before. The same kind of people, and the same opinions and cliches about God. I feel like I am being dragged back into a swamp again.

I helped on a women's breakfast yesterday. I wished I had not in some ways. All the old resentments about working for the church came back to me. I found myself getting very angry with the whole situation. But I stayed and kept helping because I really like the lady who was co-ordinating the whole thing and she was working so hard for us all.

I don't want to be back in the situation when I trying make my faith fit what others say. I want to work out a relationship with God on my own. I want to open my heart to Him but fear stops me. I spent a lot of my time in ministry receiving things about God at a head level, and then immediately giving them away by telling others without letting it drop into my heart. I  am scared I will be back to that again. I don't want to do that. I want to start receiving the things I learn about God - it is the only way to freedom. And I need freedom from things holding me back in my life.

Small groups

Going to a small group as an ordinary member of the congregation was actually more nerve racking than I thought. I got lost on the way there, and arrived really stressed, and tearful.  Not a good start!

They were a lovely friendly bunch of people and very welcoming.  It was very strange to be in a group like that as part of a study, knowing a lot of the answers from a head point of view but trying not to just think out the answer. I have spent too much time with my faith being in my head not in my heart. Being in a place to receive is very different than giving out to people. I am glad I went though. It ended well, and I shall go again.

Being vulnerable

I have decided to go back to being in a small group. I find I am missing the fellowship, and friendships I had while I was in ministry. Although having said that, it was hard as a minister to open up to anyone at church. I always had to have my ‘I’m a member of staff’ hat on. I had to remember people were looking to me as an example. Being vulnerable in ministry, by being open about some of my spiritual battles did help others. However, there is a limit to it. I couldn’t get up and say from the pulpit, ‘I think I am loosing my faith, I don’t think there is a God anymore.’ There was always the worry that if I did that I would loose my job, and therefore my home too. I was being vulnerable within certain parameters. There was a safety to it in one sense. I knew from experience that it helped people, so it made me popular which is, I guess, what I was craving.


Now I will be just me. I have no role as a lay minister to hide behind. My faith is shaky. I am no longer coming from a place of unshakeable faith in what the Bible says. I have been through a really dark valley of doubt, almost becoming an apostate. It was a scary place and opening up from this position feels very different to opening up as I did before.

I go to my new small group tonight. I am a little nervous. Can I be real? I think I have to if I want to benefit from it. Going to Bible studies as a minister was different. I could hide behind my knowledge. I didn’t have to think about things. I just spoke on auto pilot a lot of the time. Now I want to really grapple and be honest about things.

Nevertheless, I also know I need to develop deeper friendships here. I miss that too. My closest friends are in London and I am now in Sussex. I hope it will be a place where I can get to know people more.