I found myself leading our Bible study group on Tuesday. It scared me how quickly I fell back into it. I was back on auto-pilot and asking questions etc. At the time it felt OK but I now feel very vulnerable and scared in a funny way. Not sure what is going on for me. I don't want to get back to where I was before. I want this time to be a real heart response to God. I want to discover Him without being told what to think or believe. It is almost like being on a roller coaster. I got on without realising what I was doing and then was scared I couldn't get back off. There is an advert in the UK at the moment. An older couple sit on a seat to each sandwiches. The man asks for a cheese one. Then the mechanical seat restraints of a roller coaster come down over them and they find themselves on a ride they were not expecting. After they get off the man ask his wife "what sort of cheese was that?". I can't think now what it advertises but it is sort of how I have been feeling this week.
I helped on a women's breakfast yesterday. I wished I had not in some ways. All the old resentments about working for the church came back to me. I found myself getting very angry with the whole situation. But I stayed and kept helping because I really like the lady who was co-ordinating the whole thing and she was working so hard for us all.
I don't want to be back in the situation when I trying make my faith fit what others say. I want to work out a relationship with God on my own. I want to open my heart to Him but fear stops me. I spent a lot of my time in ministry receiving things about God at a head level, and then immediately giving them away by telling others without letting it drop into my heart. I am scared I will be back to that again. I don't want to do that. I want to start receiving the things I learn about God - it is the only way to freedom. And I need freedom from things holding me back in my life.
I am wondering why you are doing what clearly makes you feel uncomfortable? You are free and it has cost you a lot to obtain that freedom. Do you really want to give it up? Is it for duty or security or habit or calling? Just a thought!
ReplyDeleteMandy
That Mandy is an excellent question. I wish I knew. It is almost like I think something terrible will happen if I don't do what is expected of me. I know that sounds strange. I had something I was doing tonight but have not gone - I didn't want to go, so decided not to. But it feels scary in a strange way!
ReplyDeleteKeep asking the questions - it really helps! I had the question in my sub conscious and you asking it helps it come out and gets me thinking! Very helpful indeed.
Good for you! How was Easter for you? I find it quite difficult as I no longer attend church - I have to deal with a lingering sense of guilt and the anger that comes with that, but also a sadness that it is no longer a special time of year for me. I also struggle with the feeling that the church manufactures sadness on the Friday and then joy on the Sunday and I am expected to feel those feelings - I know, silly
ReplyDeleteEaster was good actually. It was the first time I had been in a service at Easter and felt able to totally relax and just receive.
ReplyDeleteI also took great joy in not going on the walk of witness at 9am Good Friday morning!
I feel my faith is starting to return, but this time I want it to be at a heart level, rather than a head one.