Seeking the Giver not the GIft

Three years ago I found freedom from food addiction. A key part of finding that freedom was learning to allow my heavenly Father to fill the emotional emptiness I had previously tried to satisfy with food. I spent ages seeking my healing, rather than seeking the healer. My focus was in the wrong place. I was trying to sort out the symptoms (overeating, being overweight) not the root cause of the problem (an emotional & spiritual emptiness). 

The food addiction was not my only problem though. I was also struggling hugely with singleness. I didn't want to be single and it caused great pain. Huge waves of pain. I always thought I would get married and have a family. I never anticipated being single and childless into my 50's. I am now much more accepting of this. For a while I have been wondering what enabled me to move past my pain. This week I realised that my seeking the Healer not the healing, seeking the Giver not the gift, also helped me to deal with my broken dreams. 

I spent years trying come to terms with being single but in actual fact I now know that my main pain was not having children. The main problem was not the absence of a husband but the absence of a baby. I couldn't admit this to myself as it would be too painful to deal with, so I focussed on the lesser pain of singleness. 

After a lot of ladies problems I ended up having a hysterectomy. Finally, I had to come to terms with not having my own children. I had to let go of that dream as it was never going to happen now. It was about this time, in the months after my surgery that I was searching to God more. I was desperately yearning for Him above all else and I now know that it was this that helped me deal with my broken dreams. 

I spent ages asking God to give me the gift of marriage and children or to give me the gift of being content with singleness and childlessness. I was focussing on the wrong thing. I was looking at the problem not the One who could solve the problem. I was looking at the gift not the Giver. My search for God's love also helped me come to terms with my singleness and childlessness. 

I urge you to throw yourself into the arms of God. Seek Him above all else. I am now writing a regular newsletter to encourage people to seek the healer for help with their broken lives. I will share insights that helped me on my journey to freedom to help you on your own journey to freedom. If you would like to receive this newsletter please subscribe here. 

Why Write?

This post was first published on 16th April 2015 on the blog for the Association of Christian Writers, More than Writers, for which I am a regular contributor. 

Amy Boucher Pye's post, The Lord is my Publisher, on the More Than Writers blog of the Association of Christian Writers got me thinking. To whom am I writing? I never planned to write a book, let alone write two of them. For me starting to write my first book was very much a cathartic and spiritual experience. I have written a spiritual journal for years as a way of helping me to work through my feelings and relationship with God. So when a friend, who knew what God had done for me, said "You should write a book" I decided to do just that. 

I poured out what had happened into my computer, as a way of giving it to God and it really helped me to make sense of it all. I learned more about my healing and began to wonder how God might use me in the process. 

However, I lacked courage to approach publishers with it and decided to self-publish. I have learned a lot of about self publishing over the last few years but the best thing I have learned is what a blessing it is when sharing your story helps someone else. 

I have written and self-published two books now. The first, He Never Let Go: The true story of a prodigal evangelist, describes how I lost and regained my faith whilst still working as an Evangelist in a lively church in West London. The second, Being Known: My journey to freedom from food addiction, describes how God set me free from food addiction as a direct result of how much closer I came to Him during the events of the first book.

The first time I got an email from someone who had been greatly helped in their own journey of faith because of what I had written I sat at my computer and cried tears of joy. All the hard work was worth it if just one person had developed a deeper relationship with Father God as a result. Since then I have had more of these emails, tweets, posts and conversations. Yesterday,  I had a conversation on Facebook messenger with someone who I didn't know but who had just bought my second book.  This person told me they had a problem with food and went on to tell me that it was the first time they had told any one of this. I was so honoured that my book led me to that privileged position of witnessing that important step in that person's life. Each such communication blesses me more than I can say. I can still be moved to tears when I hear how God has used my writing to bring others to more freedom in their relationship with God. 

If I am honest I have moments (sometimes long ones) when I start looking for worldly approval for my writing instead of being content to look to God and trust in His purposes for my writing. But then another person gives me feedback about how God has used my writing to bless them and once again I look to God and thank Him for the blessing of being able to bless others. 

I recently heard that Ellel Glyndley Manor in Sussex has put my second book, Being Known, on the list of recommended reading for their 'Steps to freedom from addiction' course. I was so blessed by this. Seeing others blessed by my story helps me to make sense of what I went through. I have been able to give God my pain and see Him bring new life out of the darkness. 

Amy is right. The Lord is my publisher. And this is why I continue to write. I want to help others come closer to Jesus. I want to share what I've learned about God’s Father love and compassion. I am blessed indeed that He has chosen to use me. All glory to Him. 

What's your motivation for the things you do?

Lynda Alsford currently works a GP receptionist and writes in her spare time. She has self-published two books. He Never Let Go describes her journey through a major crisis of faith whilst working as an evangelist at a lively Church in Chiswick, West London. Being Known describes how God set her free from food addiction. Both books are available in paperback and on kindle on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Lynda loves living near the sea in Sussex, UK and can't stop taking photos of the sun setting into the sea. Find out more about her at www.lyndaalsford.com or at www.patch-work-blog.blogspot.co.uk

Pour out your heart to God

I was not supposed to be here today. At least not here in my flat and certainly not writing a blog post. I was supposed to be in hospital, having a total knee replacement. 

I was all ready. I had had the necessary blood test and I had begun to drink the unpleasant pre-op drinks. I woke up on Monday ready to fast and go to hospital. Then at 8.10a.m. came the call from the surgeon's secretary. He was unwell and off sick, so my operation was cancelled. I was devastated because I have been in increasing amounts of pain. 

I couldn't wait to get a new knee and to be able to walk again for more than 20 minutes at the most. I have been gradually, and slowly losing weight and I wanted this to continue. The weight loss has come to a standstill virtually without being able to do exercise. 

My first reaction to this bad news, having put the phone down, was to burst into tears. I then I called friends and family, talking through what I felt.  I rang work to say I would now not be off sick but coming in as usual. 

Then I got into the shower and while there I began to pray to my Father God in Heaven. I poured out my heart to Him. I told Him how I felt and asked Him to help me. 

By the time I got to work I was calmer and by the end of the day I was fine again. I had another date for my operation and had worked through all the upset. 

So why am I telling you this? It is because it took me until Tuesday to realise that I had not once thought about bingeing as a way to deal with those pesky upsetting emotions. I had worked through them all in a normal way without even a temptation to overeat. Four years ago my reaction would have been to binge before calling anyone, before praying and before being able to think through what I should do next. Food was my refuge. 

I am once more so grateful to my Father in Heaven for setting me free from food addiction. I praise His name. He is indeed my refuge. 

If He can set me free He can set anyone free. Trust Him, get to know Him and pour out your heart to Him. He is a much better way of dealing with difficult feelings than bingeing. I know for certain this is true. 

He is our refuge. 

Counting my blessings

Over the last few months I have been trying to count my blessings more. I  have been trying to thank God for what He does for me more. I still have a long way to go but I am beginning to see the fruit of praising Him. The more I look to Him and praise Him for His work in my life the more I see it happening. 

God has been greatly blessing me recently. I started to get more pain in my knee than normal last autumn after increasing my level of exercise (from nonexistent to a little!). In the end I went to see my doctor and he refered me to the hospital. Within three and a half months I find myself on the eve of having a total knee replacement. My operation is at 12.30 tomorrow. I praise God for the speed with which it has happened and for helping me get a cancellation appointment for the surgery. I praise Him for giving me good friends and family to care for me afterwards. I praise Him for work letting me have the surgery at short notice. I managed to get a cancellation so it is extremely short notice for work. I praise Him for my friend Jackie, with whom I am staying  after my surgery. 

I have found that my level of trust is increasing as I take notice of all that God does for me. Taking note of all the good He does for me really does help me find more peace and trust.  It gives me hope for the future. If He has done this for me today, He will keep looking after me in the future. King David writes about this in Psalm 103, the first few verses of which are here. 

Psalm 103

A psalm of David.

1 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
    with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
2 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
    may I never forget the good things he does for me.
3 He forgives all my sins
    and heals all my diseases.
4 He redeems me from death
    and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
5 He fills my life with good things.
    My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

I recommend learning to count my blessings.  It really does make a difference. 

What do you thank Him for today? 

Finding Peace Within Your Heart

Sunset at Telscombe Cliffs, Peacehaven

I used to work with a Baptist minister called David, who used to be a pig farmer before he went into the ministry. He told me he used to find peace most easily by standing at the farmyard gate. When he found himself ministering in south west London he learned to find the farmyard gate within his heart.  I knew when he told me this that I had not found this kind of peace. 

The truth is I had not found my equivalent of the farm yard gate externally so it made it more hard to find it within me. I have now though. Since moving to Peacehaven in Sussex, I have found that standing on the cliff top looking out to sea brings me to a place of peace. It is my version of the farmyard gate. 

Now I have found that peace in an external place, I find I am learning to find it in my heart too. For years, I used to long for my own home and am blessed by living in my own flat now. But the longer I am there the more I realise that I experience peace more when I learn to look within, to the presence of God, bringing His peace with Him. 

What brings me most peace is looking to Father God. It is putting my relationship with Him first, making it a priority in my life. He is the author of peace. He is the Prince of Peace. It is a long journey to learn to look to Him, to His presence within me instead of turning to external things.

Sunny day in Peacehaven

We turn to places, people, things, drugs, food and drink to bring us the internal peace we long for but the presence of the Prince of Peace is what we really need. I wish it had not taken me so long to learn this.I had to learn to trust God with that deepest part of my heart. I had to learn to trust Him to be the peace I needed. As an act of my will I had to choose to seek God above other things. It is what helped me find the freedom of Christ in my food addiction. I learned to seek Him to deal with difficult emotions instead of overeating. 

It was a series of small steps. I had to learn to toddle before I could walk properly, let along before I could run. But now I am trying to make the most of what I have learned and seeking to spend time with Jesus. I am learning to just be with Him, no agenda, to simply enjoy His presence. It is what feeds my heart. I am learning to find the cliff top in my heart. 

What is your cliff top? What one small step can you take today to deepen your relationship with Jesus and bring that place within your heart? 

Trusting God is an act of my will

This post was first published on Monday 16th March 2015 on the blog for the Association of Christian Writers, More than Writers, for which I am a regular contributor. 

Trying to stop feeling fear

What does trusting God feel like? I used to think I wasn't trusting Him because I felt fearful in the face of difficulties. I thought I was a failure. I would read the Bible and pray, waiting for the fear to go and for the trust to arrive. I tried to metaphorically grit my teeth and work up a feeling of faith. But that never really worked. It simply left me feeling even worse, more of a failure and wondering what I had done wrong. 

This week I read Psalm 55. I have read it before but this time it hit me right between the eyes. Especially verses 4 and 5 - "My heart pounds in my chest...fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can't stop shaking". King David, Israel's greatest King, the man after God's own heart was shaking with fear due to the situation in which he found himself. He wanted to fly away from the situation. He wanted to run away. 

Trust is a choice

It was a revelation to me. I knew the psalms were full of emotion but somehow the day I read this psalm that truth fell the 12 inches from my head into my heart. I read on to see what David would say next. Verses 16 -18, 22  contain these words, 

But I will call on God,

and the Lord will rescue me.

Morning, noon, and night

I cry out in my distress,

and the Lord hears my voice.

Give your burdens to the Lord,

and he will take care of you. 

If you had asked me before this week, I would have told you that trusting God is an act of our will but somehow this week that truth dropped down into my heart. My eyes were opened. I'm not letting God down by feeling fearful at first sight of any difficulties. He is waiting to see what I will do despite my fear. He is waiting for me to chose faith, to choose trust. 

And the amazing thing is that once I have chosen to trust Him the fearful feelings often go, or at least they lessen. The mistake I made before was trying to stop the fear first and then to trust. It doesn't work that way. I know now I need to trust God as an act of my will whilst feeling scared. Then the fear often does go. Like the priests of Israel carrying the arc of the covenant across the River Jordan into the Promised Land. The river did not part until they had stepped into the water. 

Are you facing a difficult situation? Do as a shaking, fearful David did. Chose to trust God as an act of your will, to give Him your situation whilst still feeling afraid and wait to see what God will do for you. 

Temptations

Don't Fall

It is so easy to forget that we depend on Jesus, and the power of his Holy Spirit living within us to overcome the sin in our lives. Sometimes we start to be full of pride. We think we can do it on our own. Or worse we think we overcame the sin all by ourselves in the first place.

This last two weeks I have come as close to bingeing again as I have in the last two years - since God set me free from food addiction. Fortunately for me, I remembered the warning of St Paul from 1 Corinthians 10:12-13 about temptation and to be careful if we think we are strong - we could be headed for a fall. I realised where I was headed and sought the Lord again. I told Him straight what I was feeling. I told him exactly what I was thinking. I asked Him to help me. And He did. 

And I didn't have to screw up my eyes and work up the strength not to binge again. The strength came when I looked to Father God and was totally honest with Him about what was going on. I came to Him as I was. 

Lying to God

Sometimes it is not just ourselves we are lying to by saying we are strong when really it is God who is strong within us. It is God. We may not even know we are not being honest with God. We believe our own propaganda. We act in front of God as we wish we were rather than what we really are. We 'pretend' in the sight of God that we are strong and not tempted to sin again. But Father God is not fooled. He knows we are weak with human frailty "For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust." Psalm 103:14. Don't lie to God. He knows what is really going on deep down in our hearts. 

Openness with God

I have found that my greatest freedom comes when I come to God as I am, acknowledging all that is wrong with me. I come open handed and say I have nothing and need Him. I look to Him and allow Him to love me. It is all too easy to come to Him, tell Him we are sorry and then continue to try to break the sin in our own strength. For me the freedom comes when I surrender and yield myself to God - to allow His love to change me. His love changes us if we but allow Him to love us as we are. I spent many years trying to make myself worthy of His love. It doesn't work. You can not make yourself worthy of His love. You can only receive it. And it is in the receiving of His love that we are changed. 

Psalm 103 is a good Psalm to read - read it and come close to the God who loves you all the way to the cross of calvary.