Seeking the healer not the healing

My last post got me thinking. Writing it made me realise even more that it was the deepening of my understanding of the Abba Father love of God that gave me the confidence to really surrender my eating disorder, my emotional eating to Him. Until then I had been seeking healing, seeking freedom from my overeating rather than focusing on God Himself. My focus had been on the healing, on what I would gain (or rather what weight I would lose).

I did make some progress doing this. I did start to learn to identify emotions and let some of them out in a more safe and healthy way. However, my main way of dealing with difficult emotions remained food. I decided to shelve my seeking freedom from overeating for the time being. I wanted to learn more about God as Father. I had a growing realisation that my relationship with God was a relationship with Jesus not with Father. Jesus came to bring us to His Father, not just to himself.

I realised that my own earthly father hadn't helped in my view of God and then I saw Mark Stibbe's book 'I am your Father' in the book shop at St Paul's Hammersmith in London. I knew I just I had to buy it. Reading it really helped a lot. I learnt more about Father. I highly recommend it .

The closer we get to Father, the more we allow Father to be everything to us the more we are transformed to His likeness. It is an automatic reaction. I think knowing God's Fatherhood more enabled to just let go of the eating disorder. There was something else to replace it - a relationship with Father. He filled all the places in my heart I tried to fill with food.

We get closer to God, we surrender more to Him and automatically we are changed to be more like Him. That is why when we finally see Him face to face we will be changed in the twinkling of an eye.

1 John 3:2 (New King James Version) -  Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.

1 Corinthians 15:51-53 (New King James Version) -  Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed—  in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.  For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality

Seeing God, seeing what He is like will change us completely in the twinkling of an eye.  But while down here we see don't see as clearly as we might wish.

I Corinthians 13:8-12 - Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whetherthere is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part.  But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

Until we see Him face to face, and are changed completely all at once,  we can seek to know Him as well as we can here. The more I know Him, the more I know His truly life changing love, the more changed I am to His image. Seek Him with all your heart. God tells us to seek Himself not because He is egotistical. He tells us this because He knows it is the way to true freedom and He longs for us to have true freedom. Seek Him! Seek the healer. Seek the giver not the gift. Therein lies true freedom. Therein lies the way to soar in the heights!

Freedom from an eating disorder

I've recently discovered something that  I have been seeking for years. I have discovered freedom from my eating disorder. I used to be a compulsive over eater. I like that sentence so much I will say it again. I USED to be a compulsive over eater. There was a very strong link between my emotions and my appetite. I had an addiction to food. This means I am very overweight and suffer from some of the accompanying health problems.

But now I am free! The emotional link between my emotions and my eating has been completely broken by Father God. I have started to lose weight without trying. I just don't want to eat as much. I am eating plenty but not bingeing.

I still get thoughts in response to difficult emotions that say something like 'I need food' and I go into the kitchen but when I get there I just don't want to eat (unless it is a genuine meal time)  so I make a cup of tea and sit down with that! Its amazing.

The key for me was discovering the deep Father love of God.  I  was always scared before that if I let God take the overeating away 'what will fill that place'. I didn't trust God enough to fill the space left behind. But now I have been discovering more about His amazing Father love. And I suddenly knew I could cope without the eating. Father was enough. I asked someone at church to pray for me and it went. It did take a couple of weeks before I realised that it really had gone.   At first I was scared I would take it back again. But I didn't.

I used to stop over eating for weeks at a time before but in the end something would switch on or off (not sure which) in my head and the eating would start again. I could almost feel the switch go on. But the switch back to over eating simply hasn't switched back on again. It is off for good this time. I just know in my bones, deep inside that I am free.

For me the answer has totally been spiritual. I needed to know the deep Father love of God, the love that sent His son to die for us, and a love that He still longs to shower us with. Knowing that love meant I was no longer scared of being with out my eating disorder. An eating disorder becomes a friend, albeit a poor friend, a damaging friend. It is hard to let it go - it is part of you. But it is safe to let it go when we have God with us. I no longer have to say I am a compulsive over eater. I have a new identity - I am a child of the loving heavenly Father.

And talking of new identities. If you have an eating disorder, or if you know someone who has one, then check out the New ID course. It was doing the New ID course that taught me that  I needed a new identity. It taught me that freedom is possible. It took another 7 years to be finally free but I kept on seeking. I wouldn't give up the idea of complete freedom because of what I learnt on that course. Here is the link http://newid.org/

Freedom is possible. Don't give up seeking it. But seek the giver of the freedom - Father God rather than trying to seek the freedom itself - its a much quicker route!!

He Never Let Go is now on Amazon

"This is a lovely book, laced with emotion, full of challenge and above all a wonderful insight into the faithfulness of God." Mr & Mrs Jarvis


"This is a courageous telling of one woman's loss of faith - particularly courageous because she was an evangelist. . . This book got me thinking about aspects of my own beliefs that I've never questioned - and in my mind that has to be a good thing. Buy it, enjoy it and be challenged!" E. Ives


"Found this book helpful, informative & interesting - A true story all about a return journey back to God from a loss of faith in Him. Loved it!" Jean Henderson


"A moving account of a crisis of faith" Sandra Delemare

The above comments have been made by folks who have read my book and have been kind enough to leave a review on Amazon. I'm feeling somewhat excited about my book today. My book is now out on Amazon in paperback. I feel like a real (self) published author!! A real paperback book on Amazon!

I am really grateful to those who have helped me along the way and who have been a part of my being able to produce this book. I am also grateful to God for always being there and for never letting go!

I also hope that God will use the book to help others going through a similar thing. The pain of long term unwanted singleness/childlessness caused me to walk away from God. This book explores the pain of my unwanted singleness and describes my way back to God. God never let me go and I am so thankful. 

He Never Let Go is now out in paperback

He Never Let Go is finally out in paperback form. At the moment is it only out on Lulu.com, a self publishing company that I used to print the books.

I can't afford to go to a regular printer and have a lot of books printed at once. With Lulu I can print one at a time if necessary. At present it is not available to search through their site. To buy the book you will need to click the link on the right and you will be taken to the right part of the site.

The P& P is a bit steep this way. I hope to have the book on Amazon in a couple of months time, which should help folk to buy it should they wish to.

[Self] published author

I have finally finished my book He Never Let Go.  It is now out on Amazon's Kindle. I hope to have paperbacks out in the next few months too. Its been a long journey to get here but a very cathartic one. Writing my story down has helped a lot. I hope it can help others who are going through a bad time too. 

Here is the link to the Amazon page for the book, He Never Let Go. This link opens in another window and takes you to the Amazon website.  It feels like quite an achievement to say the least. 

Teaching for Christian singles

I've been thinking more about singleness and being Christian.  I've started to wonder if God is calling me to begin some kind of teaching for single people in my area. It is still very much in the 'this is an idea I am praying about' sort of stage. If it is God inspired then He will  lead me I am sure.  I want to follow where He leads not run ahead of him.

We quite rightly  have specialised teaching for those who are married with the Marriage Course, we have parenting courses, divorce recovery courses, help those those with addictions and many others.  But what teaching is there out there for single Christians?  I am not talking about setting up groups aimed at dating and finding a partner. There are plenty of websites for single Christians to join in the search for a partner (that is a whole other post in itself ). I am thinking more about teaching people, and providing opportunities for Bible based discussions on subjects to do with being single as a Christian.

What teaching would be needed? Maybe looking at the church's attitudes to singleness, how to deal with the pain of unwanted long term singleness, loneliness, the lack of companionship, sexual frustration , the absence of touch (not sexual but just general hugs etc), practical issues of holidays alone, where to spend Christmas, is it right to want marriage, how do you know if God is calling you to be single?

If you are a single Christian what subjects would you like to see covered? Do you think it is right that we have teaching for singles? Can you see a place for a course on coping with unwanted long term singleness? I would love to hear what you think.

Singleness and the Christian Life

   

  I've been thinking a lot recently about singleness and how it affects me as a single Christian. One of the things I have realised since starting to write my book about my crisis of faith is that not dealing with the pain of singleness is one of the main contributory factors in my losing faith.  The following are excerpts from the first draft of my book, He Never Let Go.

I have never imagined myself as a career girl. I never had a career plan. I wouldn’t be working for that many years. I thought I only needed a job until I met the right man. I always thought I would get married, have a home, have children, and be a stay-at-home mum. I never dreamt for a moment that I would be single and childless in my late forties, but that is where I have found myself. Like many little girls I dreamt of my wedding day. I dreamt of the white dress, the bridesmaids, the flowers, and the handsome groom. I dreamt of a home of my own to look after. I dreamt of children. It never occurred to me that it might not happen. It really didn’t ever occur to me until later that it might not happen . . .

Over the years, I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed for a husband. I prayed on my own. I prayed with others. I fasted and prayed. I believed that God had spoken to me through Pat but also in other ways too. I kept waiting for God to fulfil what I thought was His promise to me. I waited for a husband. I waited but the only weddings I went to were those of other people. At first, it was fun to see my friends married. I thought, ‘One day I’ll have a wedding’. However, as time went on, and more friends got married and I didn’t, it got harder and harder to go and keep a smile on my face. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for them. I was delighted. I just wanted it for myself too. I tried to keep my pain to myself. I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s special day. . . 

I can see now that I should have dealt with my disappointments sooner. I buried a lot of my pain. I let out some of it but I didn’t really allow people to see how badly I was hurting. A part of me thought that if people knew how badly I wanted to get married, and have a home and children, they would laugh at me. I thought they would think ‘How could she think that anyone would want her?’ A lack of confidence led me to believe that I wasn’t good enough to be married. This shame prevented me from seeking help to deal with my anguish. I think I simply needed to cry it out on someone’s shoulder, to sob it out, but so often, I pushed it down. 

      Why was I never able to be totally honest about my pain. I think one reason is that I kept thinking God must be everything to me. If I still want to get married then I am not a good Christian. I hadn't taken on board the truth of what God says in Genesis 2:18 'Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is right for him'. But it is clear here that it is the norm that people need other people. It is not good to be alone. That is why God says later on through the Psalmist  in Psalm 68:6 'God places lonely people in families.' He knows it is not good to be alone.

      So why am I still punishing myself for not being able to cope with just me and God? I know the answer may not be marriage for me but I need to  look for the families that God wants to place me in to give me what I need as a human being. 

Are we giving single Christians false expectations? Where did I get the idea that I had to be self-sufficient with just God? People sometimes quote the verse in Isaiah 54 about God being a husband to us - implying that should be enough for us. But that verse was written to the whole nation of Israel - it wasn't written for just single people. Yes, God wants to be a like a husband to us, but he wants to be like that for everyone - including those who are happily married, unhappily married or too young to be married yet. 

I don't know what the answers are for me or for other singles but I would love to get discussions going about the whole issue.